Why Your Coping Skills Aren't Working (And What to Do Instead)
By Luke Purcell MA, PLPC
“I tried my coping skills, but they didn’t work. I was still anxious.”
Coping skills are essential for maintaining mental well-being. Everyone has both helpful and unhelpful strategies for managing or avoiding their emotions. When learning new coping skills, it’s common to feel that they don’t work. Techniques like deep breathing, grounding, and mindfulness can seem ineffective when faced with overwhelming anxiety. However, understanding the purpose of a coping skill is as important as the skill itself.
Regulating versus Defensive Coping Skills
Defensive coping skills aim to “fix” the emotion rather than addressing the underlying issue. They achieve this through control or distraction. Expecting a regulating skill to function like a controlling or distracting skill can lead to disappointment. Defensive skills provide temporary relief from negative emotions. For example, feeling lonely might prompt scrolling through social media, while anxiety about work might lead to obsessive planning and checking emails to ensure nothing is missed. These skills redirect our focus from negative thoughts or emotions into extreme actions or inaction.
We rely on these coping skills because sometimes we lack the energy to confront our emotions, and other times we simply need a distraction or a sense of control. Defensive coping skills can become automatic because they provide quick relief. While this isn’t inherently harmful, relying solely on them often results in negative long-term consequences. Neglect occurs because we constantly avoid or never find a moment of rest, as there’s always something that demands our attention.
Regulating coping skills aren’t meant to eliminate feelings; they’re designed to make them more manageable so we can confront and process them. Instead of being swept away by emotions, we can approach them calmly. Allow ourselves to feel the emotion without immediately reacting. These techniques guide us toward emotions rather than fleeing from them. That’s why, even after taking several deep breaths, you might still feel the emotion. The purpose of the breath isn’t to erase it but to slow us down enough to avoid being overwhelmed. By slowing down, we can acknowledge our feelings, understand them better, and determine if any action is necessary.
As a child, my bedroom was on the second floor. When locking up for the night, as I would turn off the lights around the house, I’d gradually start moving faster until I was running up the stairs to jump into bed. Running up the stairs to my bed was a defensive coping mechanism. Getting to my bed “fixed” the feeling of fear, but regulating coping skills help us slow down while turning off the lights or facing that fear on the stairs by turning around and asking ourselves if we need to be running in the first place.
An important note: when an emotion is triggered, it lingers in our bodies for several minutes. So, when attempting to regulate it, give it some time.
Body-focused regulating coping skills:
Deep breaths Our emotions influence our breathing patterns. Negative emotions often cause our breathing to become shallow and rapid. Try taking quick, shallow breaths for 15 seconds. How do you feel? Shallow, rapid breathing reduces blood flow to the brain, making it harder to regulate emotions. Deep breaths increase blood flow to the brain helping us regulate and slow down.
Grounding: This involves using one or more of our senses consciously. Consider the difference between eating mindlessly and savoring a meal. Our senses bring us to the present moment, while negative emotions often dwell in the past or future.
Thought-focused regulating coping skills:
When using thought-focused coping skills, we’re not battling our thoughts. Instead, we engage in a kind and respectful conversation with ourselves. Imagine telling someone they’re wrong aggressively; they’re unlikely to listen. The same principle applies to our own thoughts. So, approach these techniques with kindness and curiosity.
Hold the thought loosely. Thoughts can feel incredibly important all the time, but the truth is, we all have many thoughts that don’t hold any significance. Rather than immediately following a thought and trying to figure it out, try naming the thought. For example, “I notice I’m thinking…” Then let the thought be for a few seconds.
Reframing: Is your brain putting a very negative spin on something? “Oh no! Doing this task is going to be the worst!” A reframe would be something like, “I’m not excited about doing this task, but when I get started, it really isn’t that bad.” An important point of a reframe is that it needs to be true. If you don’t enjoy a task, reframing to, “I’ll probably enjoy it!” probably won’t be very helpful if you really know you won’t enjoy it.
None of these will fix how you feel - but might be helpful in facing difficult emotions.
Ready to meet with Luke or one of our therapists?
Comments